I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
🤣😈🤣
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
So many pants.
So little yoga.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.