They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Huge, if true.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom