As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
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Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!