Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this