Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
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sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I feel seen.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Selfie
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.