The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one