My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Actually, it鈥檚 illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 馃檨
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn鈥檛 returned my text.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don鈥檛 have bunk beds.
I鈥檝e reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I鈥檓 about to be murdered
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved