Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3