My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.