Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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This guy’s not having it 😆
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak