I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
#Caturday
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“The Perfect Relationship”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.