Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
being a writer on Twitter:
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up