“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
You are not alone 💚
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Okey dokey.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.