wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
A classic…
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.