her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”