[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren鈥檛 impressed
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i鈥檒l carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we鈥檙e low on overhead space now.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Spotted in New Orleans.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I am officially off the market馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My glasses are broken but I鈥檝e got a glasses repair kit except I can鈥檛 find it because my glasses are broken
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..