Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel