If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.