Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
This story is comedy gold 😂
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.