Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI