“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals