H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.