*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
You Might Also Like
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
*updates tinder bio*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client