I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
prepare for carbonated trouble
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.