Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG