Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud