Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
That’s classic.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?