got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
there’s probably a fee though
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency