shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Adultry does not sound fun at all
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.