Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her