the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
beware of dog
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.