[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
CRYING
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem