me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
😂 amazing answer
just witnessed a drug deal
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
early stone age tool
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses