It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Best seat on the street 😍
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs