God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?