Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No