Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.