Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
who wore it better?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Dating Tips
1.
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
What if the weather talks about us?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
thanks auntie mary
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
rapatouille
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes