Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.