Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅