may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.