Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?