Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
You Might Also Like
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit