Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
The days of good grammer has went
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”