noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.