You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!