Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Lol
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here