Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
sistine chapel
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.