the clam before the storm
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It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes