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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
❤️❤️❤️
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor